My Personal Life Experiences, Trauma and Therapy

My early life experience was dominated by fear. I lived in an unsafe environment and remained hyper vigilant for threats.

Mental illness, depression, addiction issues were prevelant in my household, which created uncertainty, fear, and risk of violence. Growing up with constant anxiety and always listening out for tones of voices, banging, screaming sounds, was normal.

My own needs were set aside to focus on the present threat. When this daily dread is normal, feeling unsafe becomes familiar.

As a child, I was mute, suffered from alophesia, and bowel issues. These physical conditions were impacted by trauma and how my body responded to danger by internal and psychological processes. Trauma reactions are unconsious and protect us from life threat by shutting down, when we are not able to fight or flight. Depending on the abuser, for my own needs to be met, my own focus was drawn to their needs.

I learned to fawn and to appease, to regulate the person I was afraid of, in order to be fed and looked after.

This pattern continued into my adult relationships, meeting partners who displayed similar traits as my abuser. Feeling comfortable with a disregulated person, who I could regulate, was normal or thinking I could change them. Trauma bonding, was, I thought, love.

What changed my perspective was getting therapy. I took time away from my day to day life, and focussed on my own sense of self.

I became aware that I did not love myself and followed a pattern that I had learned as a child. Slowly my emotions came out and a mixture of feelings were validated and allowed to be expressed. This journey of discovery took me to a place where I found my real self. I made peace with my past, learned to love myself and live in the present. Emotions are no longer feared or stuck, and my autonmic nervous system is regulated. I no longer survive, but thrive.

This process of change took time and self-reflection. It led me to become a Counsellor. I can see the value and worth of connecting with myself, others and the world.

The pathway of self-discovery