My Person Journey

My early life experience was dominated by fear. I lived in an atmosphere of needing to be in a state of highly vigilant of sounds, voices, loud noises, doors opening, and on alert for danger.

Both parents had issues with alcohol, drugs and their own mental health issues. This resulted in constant fights, drunken outbursts, emotional turmoil and an unsafe environment. One incident I remember is running to the door after hearing my mum scream to run for the Police, and as I reached the handle, being hurled upwards, my wee legs dangling and all I saw was the deep dark void of my father's eyes.

My own needs were set aside to focus on the present threat and to safeguard some sense of normality from my upbringing. When this daily dread is normal, feeling unsafe becomes familiar.

As a child my life was of being mute, loosing my hair, having bowel and stomach issues and not trusting adults. I felt invisible and blamed myself for my parent's disfunctional relationship, as I always wanted them to get back together.

We moved house over twenty six times and stability was never there.

This is not a poor me story, it is factual and based on adversity. However, it does not define me.

I went on to make mistake after mistake in growing up and falling into toxic relationships, self-harming and bulimnia. This pattern continued until I felt ready to open up to someone else.

What changed my perspective was getting therapy. I took time away from my day to day life, and focussed on my own sense of self.

I became aware that I did not love myself and followed a pattern that I had learned as a child. Slowly my emotions came out and a mixture of feelings were validated and allowed to be expressed. This journey of discovery took me to a place where I found my real self. I made peace with my past, learned to love myself and live in the present. Emotions are no longer feared or stuck, and my autonmic nervous system is regulated. I no longer survive, but thrive.

This process of change took time and self-reflection. It led me to become a Counsellor. I can see the value and worth of connecting with myself, others and the world.

Enjoying the small moments in the here and now with the squirrel in my garden and feeling thankful.